how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize