he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
