He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
