we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize