Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
