Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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