My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
