The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
