Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
