She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
