Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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