Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
