Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
