Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
