cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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