just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
