So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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