My first STD was from a foam party
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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