like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
