This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize