wanna go halves on a baby?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
