I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
