he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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