Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
false alarm, still single
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
