I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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