Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
