I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
