Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
