I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I did not marry a roomba.
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