The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
