are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
