Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
