broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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