Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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