He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
