Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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