Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
