Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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