I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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