i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
