her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
