i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
