Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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