do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
