when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i think my cat just said my name.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
