She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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