I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
