I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
