party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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