i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
