everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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