There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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