I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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