we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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