omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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