I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
