I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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