i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
