oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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