We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
me + whiskey = a bad person
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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