I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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