she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize